I never told you
by Fayth3
Summary: The musings of Alec after slightly altered events in Freak Nation. Solilogy.


**I never told you.

* * *

**

There are so many things that I never told you, Max. Things that, although not intentionally, I kept hidden from you.

I never told you that when that door slid open and I was first confronted with the reality of my breeding partner, my breath was taken away. You were so beautiful, so alive and so vibrant that for the first time I actually wanted to carry out my assignment. When you called me Ben and I realised that the light in your eyes wasn't due to me, well… I never told you that that moment my heart actually hurt for the first time since Rachel died.

I never did tell you that I loved my name, that I felt special for the first time in my life when you gave it to me.

I never told you that when I discovered you had tried to escape I went straight to Renfro, not because I wanted you in trouble, but because I didn't want you to leave.

I never told you that I followed you to Logan's and was about to stop you from touching him when he kissed you. I was so blind with jealousy that he got to touch you when you'd kicked me to the door that I never spoke. Not until it was too late.

I never told you that when I saw you again I was testing you, I wasn't really going to leave you with those X- series in the barn, I fully intended to seek out some supplies and come back-- only to find that you'd gone and got yourself captured. You never asked why I was there, why I was saving you and I never offered the information. I think I was too embarrassed to tell you that you intrigued me, captivated me until there was no choice.

I never told you that I wanted you to hug me like you did Ralph and Fix-It, or just give me an affectionate look like you did to Bugler. You probably didn't notice the look of hate that I gave Logan as I drove away.

You were on my mind every day after that, when I was in the ring I was thinking of you, trying to get back enough money to not just pay you back but win you back.

White actually gave me the perfect excuse to find you again but when I did I screwed up and I know it but I would have rather died than kill you. When you gave the doctor the money for the cure, I think that's when I fell in love. Not with you—I still didn't really know you then— but with the idea of you. The fact that you would give up something you so desperately wanted for the life of someone you hated, that self-sacrifice and honour, the idea of chivalry was so dead in me but you awakened something.

I became obsessed with paying you back, the baseball was inspired and you had the same idea. It was fate that we met again, something that I had never believed in, until then.

The ride home was just an excuse to touch you. I never told you that I had a bike hidden behind the museum that I had to go back for later; after all you never asked how I'd gotten to the museum.

I never told you that I waited outside of Jam Pony for an hour before getting up the courage to come in and ask for a job.

A job near you.

I relished the chance to be with you, even when the closest display of affection was you slapping me upside the head.

When I met your friends—Sketchy and Original Cindy—I was so blown away by the happy smile that I had never seen on your face, the way that you'd drop everything to help them out, the way your eyes glittered when you saw them and I so desperately wanted that for myself.

So I hung around, when Logan asked for my help in finding Joshua I dropped everything hoping that I'd be helping you and you'd smile at me the way you did at Sketchy.

I guess you'd never believe that I was jealous of Sketchy.

But I was; you know he told me, after he'd been beaten up by the steelheads that he'd ask you to sort it all out for him. He was totally convinced that you would drop everything to help him out, he was certain of his place in your life and knew, just knew that you'd be there for him because you cared.

Yeah, I envied Sketchy.

I didn't want to mess up with the chance that I might have in having that with you so I made him promise not to tell you, I didn't know that they had your brother.

I guess this would be a great time to tell you that I was jealous of Zack too. Not because he was your brother—god knows I never want to be that—but because, once again, you proved that you would move heaven and earth for the ones that you loved.

I spent most of that night at Crash trying to get your attention and yet you never noticed, too intent on Zack to even look my way, it was almost worth it to see the sweet smile on your face at having your brother back. But I saw the way he looked at you and knew it because it's the same look I get when I think about you. You blew me off when I tried to tell you and I tried to act like it didn't matter but I was… out of sorts after that, Maxie. Even O.C. told me that I was being a spoiled brat and asked me if I had something for you.

I couldn't let anyone know how weak I was and so I hit on the first blonde to come my way, knowing that any brunette would be a cheap imitation of you.

About the whole mermaid thing, I never told you that those five minutes on my knee were the best lap dance I had ever had and that the feeling of you running your fingers through my hair inspired a million fantasies and declarations. I never told you that it was watching you sit by Logan that night that really made me turn to Asha, not the fact that the mer-girl was pretty. Any girl pales to you.

I never told you that I wasn't sorry for making Joshua paint over your papers. I was glad that you and Logan couldn't touch; I didn't want his hands on you. The idea was enough to make me green with envy and furious enough to kill. You don't belong with him Max, you never have. Not because he is an ordinary, but because there is no chemistry between the two of you.

I'm getting off track; Logan has a habit of making me do that.

Every time I tried to make conversation with you, or make you jealous, or spend time with you it backfired.

Like with Brain, I wanted to spend time with you which was why I hung around. But I had to watch you care for and smile and joke with another man while I was treated to dismissive glances and sly remarks.

Not that I blame you, I was acting like an ass.

But what do you expect Max? I was brought up in Manticore I had ten years of extra conditioning to be tough and to never let anyone see through the shield, it got so that I couldn't even see through it. And I wouldn't let you, no matter how much I wanted to let you.

When you cried at Brain's death— a fat kid that had a weird crush on you— and yet you cried, that was when I fell in love with you.

Only someone who cares so deeply would have done what you did for him. I stood by your side thinking that he was magnificent for making you love him, even a little, and I wanted to know what was so great about him that I was lacking. What did you see in him that you didn't see in me?

The whole Rachel thing threw me for a while and I didn't see that you were teasing me at the dinner table that night at Joshua's. The 'unique ketchup' was your way of trying me out in the friend mould and I threw it back in your face. Don't think I haven't kicked myself a hundred times over that since then. Then later, you did it again at Crash. In your own rough-bitch way you offered a hand of friendship and I gnawed it off at the knuckle.

I didn't want you to leave me alone, not then and not now. I have never required your absence, Maxie, never.

I wished a hundred, damn it, a million times since then that I could take it back, that I accepted your help and let you in.

I never told you that I knew you were in the room when I kissed Rachel goodbye, after all I am soldier trained to be aware if my surroundings even in the most trying of circumstances. I knew that you were there and I took comfort from your presence. Of course, the next day I was back to being an asshole, knowing that you had seen my weakest moment and I didn't want your pity.

Not your pity.

I never told you that I let Logan win that game of pool, although you probably guessed, and I regretted it later when it turns out that you got the temporary cure.

When you asked me what I was doing that night? I thought for a second that you were asking me out and my heart soared and I was brought down to earth with a bang when I realised what it really was for. I made it sound like a date—pick up at eight— and yet you never took the bait. To you it was business.

I'm always business to you.

When we were locked in the closet I really did want you to tell me that he rocked your world.

I wanted to have a reason why you wouldn't look at me. I desperately needed to know why I wasn't worth your time. I struck out again, you had never even had sex and I was out in the cold.

Although you did seem interested in mine and Asha's date. That was enough to make me keep my hopes up. I guess I wanted to think that you were jealous—even a tiny bit.

I've never been so relieved to see a big lizard-y gelatinous mass in all my life, I think I could have kissed the Gossamer.

But I could never bring myself to sleep with her and, damn it, if I wasn't happy when she fell asleep on my sofa.

I guess things got worse after that, sort of. I was furious when Logan didn't call me to break you out of Harbour lights; instead he wanted to play hero all by himself and nearly got you killed.

I'll never forgive him for that. Never.

Of course at the time I thought you'd never forgive me for putting Joshua in danger. To tell you the truth I don't even know why I did it. I was so angry at Logan, at you and at the world for what I couldn't have. I was trying to lose myself in business but almost ended up losing you.

Of course, at the time I also thought I'd never forgive you for that trick you pulled in the ring. You may have beaten me but that was a cheap shot Maxie! Hurt like the dickens… damn that Mia.

Damn her even more for making me hug Logan. I wished that I'd had the virus when he touched me just so's he be out of the picture and quit ruining your life.

He doesn't make you happy. Besides, he called me a "happy go-lucky sociopath". That kinda bites too.

I never asked you; did you mean the things you said when we fought?

It hurt, I can't deny, when you started to catalogue all the things that I had screwed up. I hadn't realised that you had been keeping score but you reeled them off like you had been thinking of them for some time.

Do you really hate me that much, Max?

I never told you that that fight is the subject of my nightmares. We fight with you reeling off all the ways that you hate me, before kicking me to the floor and laughing as you walk off with Logan into the sunset.

I wake up shaking whenever I get one of those dreams.

I never told you that when Sketchy was trying to get a picture of a transgenic, I loved finally having something in common with you, something that we could talk secretly about—something that was uniquely ours.

I never told you that I felt like crap when I erased the film Sketchy had made. I know how much you like the guy and how often you help him; I wanted to help him but just ended up making him unhappy.

I felt so bad about that that I took it out on everyone- you, Asha, Logan, O.C.. I just wanted it all done. I wanted you and was rapidly coming to the conclusion that I would never be the guy that you wanted and it grated.

But I dropped everything when I heard about Logan- not because it was him, but because it was you.

Then I got arrested and all I could think of was that if I was Sketchy, you would already have been there to bail him out.

I was torn between praying that Logan was all right for your sake and wanting you to be with me for mine.

I never told you that I prayed, did I? After everything that I had been told about my dear brother Ben I tried to steer clear of all religious stuff, not really wanting to go down the same road; but right then and there I prayed for you to come find me because… I was scared Max.

I'd been put in a box before, back at Manticore, and I dint want that to happen again. I couldn't deal with being held in a four by four cell with no light and no air… and no you.

When I saw you there dressed up to save me I felt my heart beat so damn loud I'm surprised you didn't hear it.

I wanted to tell you then and there that I loved you, but you railed at me for being a murderer.

How could you believe that I was a murderer? I know that I tried to kill you, and maybe Josh…and Logan. But you changed me, Max. I wasn't some cold blooded killer.

I asked you; I remember, I asked you if you thought I could kill someone in cold blood and you said yes.

I could. I have. But for you to say that.

Did you know a heart could shatter, Max?

Mine did.

You told me about Ben that night and that went a long way to helping me out. It went a long way to easing us to be friends. I don't want to be your friend, Max.

But that moment, outside your apartment, when I asked if I reminded you of Ben, or if it was just that I was a pain in the ass.

You smiled at me.

I have lived off that smile for months. I never told you that when you smile, it's like the sun and for the first time it was aimed at me. You smiled at me.

I think I floated home.

Even when I realised that you had told Logan we were together, I was and because I wanted it so bad and because I didn't want you to think I was the bad guy anymore.

Since then I've tried everything I can to get to show you that I'm not a screw up. I stayed on the roof during your 'love sucks' moment, just because you were there.

I stood by you when your twin showed up, telling her that it was due to you that she was on the outside with people who could care about her.

I didn't screw up your lie to Logan, no matter how it hurt.

I thought we were finally done fighting and being enemies but now I'd trade everything. I would give up my life.

I'm sorry that I couldn't stop the situation at Jam Pony. God, Max. I'm sorry I didn't move fast enough, or support you enough when White and his conclave came through the roof.

I'm sorry that I couldn't keep the Phalanx from attacking us all but most of all I'm sorry for not taking that bullet.

I stopped Joshua killing White, like you asked. Please God, don't make that be your last words to me.

I never told you that you make the colours, for me and for everyone. So many people wait here, day by day. O.C., Sketchy, Joshua even Logan you'd expect. But Gem, Mole, Normal, hell even Skye and Clemete have been constant visitors.

I won't leave your side, Max, and I don't care what they say.

I never told you so many things. I never told you that you were my world, and that I can't imagine living on without you. But I will; I'll tell you that you mean everything, I'll tell you that I lo— I—I—I need you.

I'll do whatever it takes, I'll wait however long for you.

Just wake up. Please, Maxie, wake up.

Wake up, Maxie.

Because I never told you that I love you.


End file.
